Dating should be easy. Any episode of Friends will tell you that. Meet a random stranger at a coffee house/movie theater/work/etc, go on a few dates, see where it goes. But it's not that easy and that really just sucks.
Maybe I am making it harder than it should be, or maybe I expect too much. But I don't want to go on a bunch of pointless dates. And likely, that's what is holding me back, the fact that I hate to waste my time. I do not mean that I hate laying on the couch on a Saturday afternoon (if I'm not in a stadium screaming my head off in a Sea of Red) watching football. I enjoy doing that, so I don't consider it a waste of time. What I mean is, I hate putting time and effort and emotions and energy into something that is not going anywhere. The fallout is stressful on everyone involved, except the one who did the heart-breaking part of the break-up.
I realize my initial post was kind of vague and only referenced some kind of emotional turmoil, and the story will come out later; I'm just not ready yet, it is still too new. And I am not anywhere near ready to date someone new yet. But the idea of dating, of going on date after date with most who you know will not warrant a second date...that idea depresses me too. It can't all just be blind luck, can it, that you magically end up finding someone you truly connect with after 36 miserable failures?
I used to believe in The One. I was blissfully content then - or so I thought. I was almost done with college, talking wedding plans with The Supposed One though we weren't actually engaged, and ready to move on to the next step in our lives which involved wedding and babies and happily ever after. It didn't happen, thank goodness, but that is another story for another time.
I no longer believe in The One. Not because of that experience alone, but because of life experience. I was a kid still, in my early 20s - and sometimes still am, as my best friend will tell you. But I grew up. I cared about people, loved some even. And I have lost. Not just lost relationships in that they ended, but lost people literally, to whatever comes after this life. Now, I believe in The Ones - there are some people in this world better suited for me than others. And somehow, I will find him. When it's time.
I agree. As years go by The One for me has also changed form into plural and yet The Ones that fit elude me. Live and learn that it's not as easy as a Disney movie or a Friends episode. What a shame because that would have been nice.
ReplyDeleteAin't that the truth! Romcoms, Disney, and timeless television classics have given us unrealistic expectations. I just don't think that The One can be expected, you know? How in the world would anyone be able to find The One? The idea of a soul-mate is nice, but I can't believe in it. Some people are just far more compatible than others.
ReplyDeleteIt seems that even when/if you find one of the more compatible ones it still doesn't mean that the compatibility isn't going to go through it's changes over the years and it's rough patches. Relationships are work. Some people choose to work on staying in them and others choose to work on getting out of them...that's what the divorces my friends have gone through just this last year have shown me.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are work, ain't that the truth. This reminds me of a quote from Dr. Cox a'la Scrubs...
ReplyDelete"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they, won't they, and then they finally do and they're happy forever, give me a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with and half the ones that get married get divorced anyway and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies, and, ya know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker I don't care, because I do - believe in it. Bottom line, couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is that they don't let it take ‘em down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time, if it's right, and they're real lucky."
And the people who want to work through it, those are the ones you should stick with.
Perfect quote! Love Scrubs. Love the random insightful things that fly out of the character's mouths when you least expect them. Watching my friends and acquaintances and celebrities (ha ha not them so much because I think their idea of relationships is on a whole different level) battle divorces and break-ups hasn't made me cynical exactly, but fearful. Fearful that my husband or boyfriend won't be willing to stand up and fight for the relationship...that's the one difference I have in the quote "one of those two people will stand up and fight"...but if only one is fighting for the relationship that really may not be enough. That's for certain the reason two of my friend are getting divorced because only half of the pair was fighting for the marriage. In conclusion - agreed, the ones who want to work through it are the ones you stick with. (I've yet to meet those ones.)
ReplyDeleteI think fearful is a good way to describe it, or at least the closest word I think of that best matches how I feel about it too, good call. What is concerning to me is that people can stay together for so long, for years even, and you don't know until that moment comes whether or not they're willing to fight for the relationship, the same as you are, you know?
ReplyDeleteThe unknown is a scary thing. Knowing how hard it's been on friends going through divorces and break-ups and knowing how hard break-ups have been on yourself ... do you still go into relationships full-speed ahead and risk it all at the chance for happily ever after? But with the possibility of "happily until things get rough and then I'll leave you"? ...or do you let that fear cripple you and risk nothing?
ReplyDeleteWell, BFF has told me that next time, don't go in full-speed at first. And I guess I kind of did that with Coach. Maybe not at first but after a couple months, I was committed. But he wanted to hang out all the time and so did I, so we were always together, from pretty early on. But I'm also tired of feeling like this when it ends, so maybe being on my own is just better? I don't mean to sound dramatic, but you can only pick the same wrong guys for so long before the idea of being alone just seems logical. But I know I don't want that, not really. That's just the grief talking, for now.
ReplyDeleteI might actually want it, really. After all no one wants to be that girl with all the personal baggage that she carries into every encounter, but that's me with my oversized luggage dragging behind me with every man I meet. And with each failed relationship, most of them not even rising to relationship status before the failure, the baggage gets piled on. In order to lower the quantity of baggage I just avoid getting attached to the wrong guy. And because I'm a fall hard and fast kind of girl that means avoiding guys in general especially since I clearly have no "wrong guy radar" and the wrong guy cycle seems doomed to repeat itself every few months - sometimes disastrously so, other times it's just a small speed bump on the wrong guy road to Not-long-term-blissful-anything-ville - it seems logical to keep the baggage from expanding to outrageous proportions the best plan is to cut out the problem. Inability to choose the right guy? Better that I choose no guy. That there's the hopelessness talking. The secret "believer in happily ever after" says screw that and is the one that keeps hooking me up with wrong guys because there's that small possibility that with this one it just...might...work...maybe...and that possibility is worth the damage it not working out causes. I secretly hate the secret "believer in happily ever after" part of me. =)
ReplyDeleteTalking about baggage reminded me of the episode of How I Met Your Mother where they discuss everyone's baggage and you see everyone carrying or dragging suitcases around and at Ted finally realizes his own baggage and what it is (which I won't say in case you have not watched the show but i highly recommend it!!) and there's no way around it, everyone has it.
ReplyDeleteI am the same way; I try to be cautious and hold back, but when you see the other person seeming to be going all-in also and wanting to be together all the time, it makes it that much harder to be the one who holds back, you know? And that's exactly what happened this time around, we just clicked, we had all these things in common, we liked all these same things and we just had fun together. We always joked that we could just be weirdos together and have fun, because we thought things were funny that other people probably wouldn't. Even one of his friends once said, "Individually, both of you are normal, great people to hang out with, but together you're so fucking weird!" And that's what made it all seem okay, that it was okay we were all-in so fast. I just didn't ever see that he wasn't as all-in as I was or, or as I thought.
Cutting out the problem seems to be the most logical solution, even if it means being alone. But at least being alone you know what to expect and I'd rather be alone than have to go through this over and over again. I want to believe in the 'happily ever after', but when you see how easily it can slip away, sometimes it feels like it's not worth it even though if it could work and I'm so blissfully happy it's sickening to all my friends. As you can see, i alternate between the two mindsets frequently :)
Ironically that's one of the few HIMYM episodes that I've seen. Went and watched it again though, just to re-remember. I hate when you just feel like it "clicks" with someone and it continues clicking more and more for you and then BAM! Turns out you'd been so tuned into the clicking that you didn't notice or didn't want to notice the fact that, for example, he wasn't as all-in. I've definitely had that happen. As an all-or-nothing girl I typically dive into relationships and drown about 99.9% of the time. Gotta learn to take it lap by lap or something I guess. Swimming analogy. Ha ha. :-D (I also am bipolar when it comes to which side I'm on - the happily ever after or the cynical rather be alone side) :)
ReplyDeleteI play this song when I'm still in the kick-myself for picking Mr. Wrong and falling for him and getting hurt again. (You'll be shocked and amazed to see it's from the 80's ha ha) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DckYV3FQfSE&feature=related
I agree. And it hurts that he didn't care when I cared so much. He says he cares still, that I'm important to him still, but how can I believe that when I feel like he wasn't honest about other things? I knew at the start he wasn't all-in, but over time as we were always together and always talking, it just made sense to me that no one would waste time with someone they didn't care about, you know? I don't understand why he would waste his time too, though I of course cringe at the thought of being a 'waste of time'. The mood I'm in right now, I guess I am falling on the side of 'I'd rather be alone'. I don't even know why, it's a roller coaster of a day and blech.
ReplyDeleteI love your 80s pop videos. They do make me feel better :)
"Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are - believe in yourself" this was my friends motivational quote for me yesterday...don't know who said it originally, but I write it because point is - you are not a waste of a time. Who knows what his problem was that he couldn't value you for the wonderful woman you are. He's got his own issues clearly if he can toy with people like this. It's amazing men can always be so unattached! Positive: even sucky failed relationships you learn things about yourself and about the guy from...like you're doing with all your blogging! Goodness me! Here I am trying to find positives in relationships that go sour? Seems like I'm leaning back towards believing in the happily ever after or that relationships may serve a good purpose. We really can't make up our minds on this alone or happily ever after thing. =)
ReplyDeleteAnd I think it's the clothes, hair and kick ass dance moves that make me love them so much as to put them on repeat and drink and dance away all break-up sorrows!
Thank you very much, I needed to hear that today. I don't know why today has been especially difficult, don't know what it is about today. It's not a special day, there's no significance to it. But for some reason I'm just having a rough one today. I am lucky to have friends like you who help build me back up when I'm tearing myself down.
ReplyDeleteWho knows...maybe you're going to sway me back to the side of "happily ever after" today yet :)
I do enjoy the brightly colored, large-patterned clothing and big hair of the 80s...don't forget the acid-washed, high-waist jeans!
Just talking about this with you helps me process through my own baggage, not left at the altar baggage but I've definitely got my own treasure chest packed full of things, so it's 50% selfish. =)
ReplyDeleteI don't know that I want to be held responsible for making you believe in "happily ever after"! :)
Oh how I only wish those things were still in style...sigh.
Well good, I am glad that this is helping you too, and I was thinking that since we have so many conversations going on and you have amazing insight, if you ever wanted to do a whole post of your own, you could be like a guest blogger, you can even come up with your own title and everything! But in all seriousness, I'd love if you'd want to do that sometime, you have been os helpful and wonderful to me.
ReplyDeleteI promise I won't hold you responsible, and who knows, in an hour I might fall back on the side of swearing off mean forever and always, so you're off the hook! :)
If JT could bring sexy back, you and I can bring big hair back!
Awww that's sweet! Your blogging openness has given me back my blogging itch. Ironically though, while my comments to you, here for all to see, are open and honest fear keeps me from blogging much on my own. I hold you in high esteem for doing it yourself. Power to you for going after your dreams and kicking bad guys to the curb. You're like the Charlie's blog Angel. :)
ReplyDeleteI bet by tomorrow I will be swearing off men once more, heck give me an hour.
JT sure did bring sexy back. Rawr.
Thank you so much, I appreciate the encouragement. You definitely know that I need it sometimes, your comments have really helped me so much more than you might even realize. I love that we have these conversations, they give me new ideas and perspectives and make me feel better when I'm down. If you ever change your mind about wanting to post something, the invitation is always open.
ReplyDeleteI'm back on the side of swearing them off again, so if you feel like coming to the dark side again for a while, I have some ice cream :)
Yeah I'm still on the fence about how I feel about men.
ReplyDeleteI had a good talk with my roomie and one of her friends this weekend though. We're all three single ladies and it was great to talk to this girl and listen to her talk about how she's perfectly fine in her singleness and that she would take singleness over settling for Mr. Not-so-wonderful any day.
Also it was good to hear this in comparison to other girls with us that are "run by men", they both seem to go from relationship to relationship and are destroyed by them. One girl appears to be anorexic since going through a break up, 2 years ago now (though they were together some 6 years or so) and the other is getting through her break up by hooking up with a guy that she's not really interested in, but I suppose she does it to not be alone, to have someone, anyone.
Interesting the power men can have or not have in women's lives.
I agree that I would take being single of being with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful. The problem is, you don't always find out right away that they're not wonderful. And that's the thing, even the guys who are over all not Mr. Wonderful, have wonderful qualities about them. That's how I feel about Coach; there are some things about him that are great, but that's all overshadowed right now by the fact that he hurt me a lot.
ReplyDeleteYes true. These are a whole different spectrum of Mr. Not-so-wonderful's they're better called: Mr. Guy-you're-trying-to-settle-for-to-not-be-alone. =)
ReplyDeleteLet me explain more/better, it was in reference to the other girls (anorexic and random hook up) who have been "dating" guys that they know (as they've expressed to their friends) that they really weren't interested in.
You know how sometimes you meet a guy and you think - eh? But they want SO MUCH to be in a relationship that they continue anyway half-heartedly, but knowing and commenting that they really aren't interested in this guy. Basically they're wasting his time and their own, for what? So that they aren't alone on a Saturday night? Better alone than with someone that you know you have no future with and aren't that into, not in their eyes though.
That's what this other girl was saying is that she wouldn't stoop to that level. Me? I've stooped. I went out a couple times with this guy trying to convince myself that there could be something there, but deep down I knew that we weren't compatible. At least I didn't string him along for as long as these girls have done. Not cool of them, but also I think they should get therapy (which anorexic girl is against and she's the one who most assuredly needs it the most).
Makes sense. I don't know that I have ever done this 'stooping' as you call it, but I also haven't dated that many people, maybe because I would rather be alone than be wasting my time? Army Guy was a year, The Supposed One was a year, Coach was 10 months, PeteWentz was 6 months...but that last one wouldn't necessarily be called a relationship - neither of us were with a anyone else, but still, it was a mess.
ReplyDeleteHopefully this girl you have spoken of who needs help gets it, and she sees soon that she needs it.
"maybe because I would rather be alone than be wasting my time" - See that's what someone with a good head on their shoulders would say!!
ReplyDeleteI have lots of friends that see it as a sign of weakness or don't want to be one of "those" people or a number of reasons to not go to a therapist. I figure if you can't help yourself, dear goodness! suck it up and find someone who can! There are some things that your friends aren't educated to deal with. Maybe it's not a therapist, but find something - support group, some magic self-help book. SOMETHING! Well I don't know her well enough to rant at her like this, but I hope she stops hurting herself she's such a sweet person to let a man ruin her life.