What a Difference a Year Makes

If you haven't noticed yet, I'm big on the symbolism and signs and all that crap. It is honestly exhausting sometimes, but the OCD part of me simply doesn't allow me to stop recognizing these things. Everything means something; Coach touched nearly every aspect of my life and I can't help that but I know I can change how I associate things from here on out. On the other hand, I feel like I have to believe that everything means something, because if not, if there's no meaning to anything, then to me that is even more depressing.

Last night is a perfect example of this.

Former Roomie was in town and we haven't seen each other since my birthday in January. One of her friends was in town from Vegas so we met them at a bar, then F.R. and I went to Happy Hour and later got a text from her same friends that they were at my most favorite bar in town.

The same bar I met Coach at.

A year ago, yesterday.

Safe to say, I didn't really want to go. But I did, and I am glad, for a couple reasons. It also really sucked, again for a couple reasons.

First, the good:
1. The bar is always a good time.
2. It was our friend Cory's birthday, so there were lots of people I knew.
3. Bret left the karaoke set-up from Friday so we could have karaoke on Saturday too.

Now the bad:
1. Being at the very place where I'd met Coach a year ago to the day, not so fun at first.
2. Upon getting our first drink and sitting down, someone sang Edwin McCain's "I'll Be" - the first song Coach and I ever danced to, the first night we met. I just remember how sweet he was when he came over and asked for my hand, so it was kind of a gut-punch.

Really, it felt like the universe had to slap me in the face just one more time before I could have a good time. But once I got over the shock of wow, how is this possibly happening, we did have a lot of fun. It doesn't seem like something so significant could just be a coincidence, I just know what it's telling me, you know?

That's kind of what makes this all so exhausting, as I said before. I see these signs and the symbolism sometimes, the exhausting part is trying to figure out what the hell it all means.

Unlikely Inspiration

Anyone who knows me knows that I can't stand Taylor Swift. I can't stand her voice, can't stand how much she squints all the time - seriously how hard is it to open your eyes like a normal person? Her performance with Stevie Nicks a few years ago made my ears bleed, and her lyrics are straight from the diary of a 12 year old girl. However, for reasons I can't explain, a year ago I was compelled to buy whatever cd it is that has "Love Story" on it. "You're Not Sorry", "White Horse", and "Breathe" have been especially helpful the last month and a half because sometimes you need to cry and sappy unrequited-love songs help facilitate that.

Anyway, so I'm driving along today, listening to Squint-Eyes Swift, and "Fifteen" plays. Not a great song, just as whiny and annoying as most of the others, but this line jumped out at me:

"In your life you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team"

Absolutely, positively, 100% true. Sometimes I just need reminders and who knew Taylor Swift would be the one doing doing the reminding.

Weekly Update

So this last week has been kind of crazy. Woolly Mammoth University fucked up royally. I'm supposed to be student teaching, which I am, no thanks to them. Placements for student teaching are usually sent out over the summer, within a few weeks of school starting, yet I still hadn't received mine and public schools here start on Tuesday the 16th. So, last Tuesday I email the placement person in my program and she says, "Oh, you start tomorrow, grad student often are forgotten by the general placement office."

Awesome. Anyone else think it's a problem that grad students are forgotten?

So, with my summer suddenly gone without warning, I met with my cooperating teacher at my placement, and everything was fine. I like my cooperating teacher, she's funny, and I think it's going to be a good experience.

My contentedness with this semester lasted about a day. Thanks, Woolly Mammoth U.

Around 9 on Thursday morning (when I am already at my placement again, as we're required to be before school starts) I get a call from someone at the main placement office, asking if I am attending the student teaching meeting.

Um, what?

I told her I didn't know about the meeting, that I emailed another supervisor on Tuesday and asked her about my placement because I hadn't received any info and she had this completely unnecessary attitude with me - like it's my fault that I didn't get this info. She kept saying, "Well, I have your name checked off her that I sent this to you."

Great, you can have my name checked off as many times as you want, it doesn't mean I actually received it.

Then she went on to say that an email was sent out about the meeting as well - something I also didn't receive. Awesome. I apparently wasn't supposed to actually start until Thursday afternoon. What a hassle.

And it gets even better.

Yesterday morning my cooperating teacher texts me and asks me to call my site supervisor to reschedule our meeting. Oh look, another meeting I don't know about. I asked her for my site-supervisor's name so I can call him or her, but she said she would just take care of it quick, since she thought I also received the email about the new meeting, since I missed the first meeting.

Oh, and when I got home yesterday I checked the mail, and my placement letter was finally there - a day too late. Funny that it was postmarked on August 8th, when I was told it was sent out LAST WEEK.

Confused yet?

So am I.

FRIENDS Dating

So I have talked about this briefly before; BFF says I have to actually just 'date' - not right now of course, but to date, see each other for a real actual date, no more than 4 or 4 hours tops, then see each other again (if we want to) at least four days later. However, one of the very first texts I saw on TFLN confirms that this is not always the way it goes anymore:

(516): Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

So does anyone actually 'date'? BFF tells me that people over the age of 25 do, and obviously has been a plethora of advice and information since the break-up, all in the hopes of avoiding this devastation again. Apparently people do date, and sometimes for the first month or two, they only see each other every 5-6 days. I guess that means I've never really dated, and that I don't know how. With Coach, we just started hanging out together, went on dates, and it evolved into a relationship even though neither of us expected it at first. The Supposed One and I were actually a Facebook-certified couple, PeteWentz and I weren't even Facebook friends, and Army Guy and I were together before Facebook existed beyond the Ivys.

Anyway, I must have given some thought to dating before, because I came across a notebook that had something interesting in it: a list of all the relationships/dates each character from FRIENDS had in the ten years the show was on the air. I know right, weird? But I was looking at it and realized that maybe this is what BFF is talking about - even though yes I realize it is just a television show (albeit the greatest show to ever air, or at least in the top three). So is this what dating is really supposed to look like?

Monica	Joey	Chandler	Phoebe	Ross	Rachel
Paul the Wine Guy Alan Kevin Milmore Fun Bobby Coma Guy Howard “I win” Scotty Jarret Fireman Doctor Ethan Fun Bobby Jean Claude Richard Julio Richard Translator Guy Pete Chip Matthews Chandler	Andrea Angela Julie Angela Sandy Angela Delvecio Lorraine Ursula Melanie Annabelle Girl w/ Adam’s apple Girl #1 on bus Denise DeMarco Casting Director Erica Ford Movie Chick Shannon Cooper Stacy Roth Stacy’s Roomie Annie Esposito Annie’s sister Lauren Kate Bride’s maid Random girl Curly haired girl Katie Girl Girl’s roommate Janine Erin Kristin Dark-haired girl Hayley Hayley’s roomie Date “yuck” Smart girl Charlie Rachel Sarah Laura	Janice Aurora Janice Janice Nina Danielle Maureen Rizillo Joan Alison Jade Girl #2 on bus Suzy Moss Janice Joanna Joanna Kathy Janice Monica	Subway Guy Tony Divorced Guy David Coma Guy Roger Puppet Guy Dinner Guy Fireman Duncan Rob Dunnan Ryan (Navy) Malcom Guy Upstairs Robert Sergei Vince Jason Larry Gary Kenny Hums When He Pees Pigeon Guy David 3-day ago date Jake Tim Eric British Guy Cliff Parker Mike David Mike	Carol Kristin Celia Julie Rachel Chloe Kaitlyn Bonnie Rachel Amanda Cheryl Poughkeepsie Girl Uptown Girl Canada Girl Emily Elizabeth Hornswaggle Katlyn Hilary Jill Elizabeth Joan Kristin Mona Barcelona Girl Michelle Katie Charlie Joan Rachel	Barry Tony Dimarco Paolo Pete Carney Adam Fireman Doctor Barry Carol’s doctor Carl Paolo Michael Russ Jean Claude Casey Ross Tommy Ross Joshua Danny Sebastion Tag Gavin Joey Ross

I know, maybe I had too much time on my hands (but to be fair, this is from a few years ago). Anyway, they go on dates, never see some of these people again, the end. I don't know, at least with Coach, we just wanted to see each other all the time, so we did. Maybe that wasn't a good idea, given how it ended, but if you like someone and want to get to know them better, shouldn't you hang out with them more? I'm not really good at being patient I suppose, so that's part of the problem. And maybe romcoms and have given me unrealistic expectations about dating. That's why I avoided them - until I started dating Army Guy and developed these annoying things called "feelings". Believe me, and as I'm sure my friends can attest to, life was much easier without them!

Laughter Really is the Best Medicine

I don't mean initially. In those first days after a break-up or whatever else might make you want to sit in the dark and bawl your eyes out for hours, laughter is about the last thing on your mind and that's okay. But gradually there is room for it again, as there should be.

I love to laugh, and I don't always mean AT people, despite what BFF and Macadamia might tell you. But really, truly, make me laugh and I'll love you forever. Is there really a better feeling than laughing so hard that you think your sides are going to split, tears in your eyes, gasping for air? I honestly don't think so, because all people really want out of life is to be happy, and laughter helps make that happen - even if it is just for a short time. It's not that you are fighting the sadness or trying to push it away, because ignoring it will only make it stronger. It's just about taking baby steps to get back to normal, and I really believe that laughter helps that. Not laughter alone of course, there are far more components that go into it than that, but it works for me.

So, regardless of what stage you're at, whether it's the eating-ice-cream-for-lunch-in-pajamas stage or the I-finally-opened-the-blinds-and-looked-outside-today stage, I guarantee a laugh from this site to at least get you started:

www.damnyouautocorrect.com

Hopefully some of those submissions at least make you smile. What do you recommend for laughter?

Just a Thought

In a comment I previously made to Vickie, I said something about how I ignored the signs that things would end badly with Coach because the good times were really good. This made me think about things friends have said in the past when I was with Coach, how they only knew the bad things about him because I never talked about when things were good - probably because I was physically with him, hanging out, going to movies, etc.

It occurred to me that I have been doing the same thing with my blog lately - I write when I am sad or having an especially rough patch and that's no good. Granted, writing helps me really be able to vent and see what I am saying, organize my thoughts and so forth, but my life is by no means terrible. Unlike Chandler, I do have loftier goals than eating peanut clusters all day or drinking in the morning. In fact, my whole goal is to not make this about Coach (which I know seems the opposite of what I have been doing) but about myself and figuring out how to be me again. The problem is, for a very long time he was such a huge part of my life, it's hard to separate him from everything else right now. But it'll get easier as time goes on.

That being said...today is great.

Or, aside from this early wake-up on a Saturday morning, it really is. There's nothing in particular about this day that makes it special, nothing has happened to make it especially noteworthy, it is just good. I just thought that is something I should share, since previous posts have been downers lately and I have only been writing about things that have made me sad or angry. But I'm not always either of those things and I hope this shows that there are certainly days where I am my normal self again and will dispel the idea that I'm just sitting in my bathrobe, surrounded by tissues and chocolate. Hopefully the rest of the day proves to be just good.

...and honestly, I don't even know if I own a bathrobe.

Recoveries and Setbacks

So a friend asked me to write about what these ideas mean to me and how I feel about them...I hope this turned out okay, perhaps it wasn't exactly what I intended when I started writing but this is what I came up with.

**********

Joey: Come on man, you never want to do anything since you and Janice broke up.

Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!

Honestly, I haven't wanted to do much of anything, much like Chandler. Unlike Joey who can get over a relationship simply by taking a shower, Chandler and I are a tad more sensitive (though I probably more than him) and one of my favorite scenes is at the end of the episode after he and Janice have broken up, and he is just sitting in his recliner, listening to 'Endless Love' by Lionel Richie and singing. Maybe I identify with it, because music is like therapy for me when no one else knows what to do or say. But it's not that I'm just sitting holed up in my apartment all day and night - okay this was true for the first few days because I was a hot mess - it's just that that the things that were interesting to me before really don't hold much interest for me right now. This includes going to the bar on Friday nights that I've gone to for the last couple years - mostly because that is where Coach and I met, and there's no way I'm ready for that, especially seeing him with other girls, that would be too difficult. Either way, it's nothing personal and there are people who have gotten upset with me for not wanting to go out and do things and be my usual self. That in itself is frustrating at times; I know they mean well - at least I hope they do - but pushing me to do something I don't want to do isn't going to help anyone.

No matter what, there are always going to be setbacks in any kind of recovery. It happens, is to be expected, and I'm lucky to have some very understanding friends who realize this. Those who have been most helpful realized very early on that simply telling me to "get over it" is about the least helpful thing you can say to anyone in any kind of difficult situation, and I don't mean specific to just break-ups. I analyze and re-analyze and then over-analyze every situation, every conversation, everything that could mean anything. Some people have an easier time just saying "Fuck it" and moving on. I wish I was the second type, but I'm not. I can't change it, and I certainly won't apologize for it.

Personally, like I have mentioned before, I analyze, re-analyze, and over-analyze. It's a blessing and a curse. Eventually I can make the puzzle pieces fit together in a way that I may not like, but at least I can accept. I'm not at this stage yet, but it will come. Most of my friends would probably consider it more of a curse, but that's how I work through things - whether on my own or with the help of others. And I try to get every possible opinion I can, I tell the same story to six different people, to get six different opinions on what I am saying/thinking/etc, and then I analyze some more. It can be exhausting sometimes, but it helps me overcome a setback by talking my way through it over and over again.

Dealing with the first setbacks were hard, just because I felt like I had made progress, it was like I was starting all over at square one again. But then I talked through it again and again, and gradually the conversations moved from talking about Coach to talking about life, everyday things, the things conversations used to be made of before this mess happened. And I force myself to get out on days that I don't work by running - though as we know from recent experiences, sometimes that is the very reason for my setbacks. But I've noticed recently, that the recovery from a setback is starting to take less time. Last week, I was a mess nearly the whole week and it was not pretty. This week though, despite another set-back, I bounced back a lot more quickly.

I guess what helps the most is knowing who you can really count on - not the ones who tell you what you want to hear, but the ones tell you what you need to hear. The trick is, for it to be helpful, it has to be done in a way that is beneficial. Otherwise, it just ends up driving a rift between friends and that is certainly not going to help at all.

Sometimes I Forget

So the first time Coach made me so sad in April, BFF told me to listen to this song on repeat. I did and it helped. He advised me to do the same this time around and I listen to it every single day. Sometimes I forget that, you know what, I am pretty fucking awesome.

One Month

It's been exactly one month since Coach and I broke up, July 3rd. It's been 3 weeks since I told him I couldn't be friends with him, 2 weeks since he responded.

And so far, it's...not horrible. That's a big surprise.

The one speed-bump today was that I saw him while I was walking (Side note: my knee is killing me, I could barely run on it at all so I had to settle for walking most of the way instead.) Anyway, since I ran into him twice last week, I went earlier than usual even to ensure that I could continue my usual route without running into him. It's still too hard, and it makes me...sad?...that he's perfectly fine, going on about his day, that this has not effected him at all. So anyway, I went thinking I wouldn't see him - I was wrong. He was already in his car around. Just my luck. There I was just ambling along, didn't even notice him at first but when I realized it was him, all I could think was, "Oh fuck." I've been going the same route for three years and even when we were together, I've never seen him when I've gone running - until the last two weeks where I've seen him three times. Does the universe hate me or something?

Anyway, when this all first happened, BFF told me it would get easier, that every day would be better. At first I didn't believe him, because it just felt so awful. I didn't take into account that I've been through this before with Army Guy and The Supposed One. The difference this time I think is that I'm older; I knew what I wanted and I thought I was happy. And don't get me wrong, a lot of times I was happy. But the bad things were awful and as BFF reminds me all the time, I am better off without him. Sometimes though, it's hard to remember that.

A Weekend Getaway

Sometimes just being away for a while helps, as I discovered this weekend. Not running away for weeks or months, but to just have a break from the routine of not having a routine anymore - something I am more than familiar with by now. That was Macadamia's plan. We met halfway between our respective cities and just found adventure that involved history, bars, sculpture gardens, and more history. It was a great distraction, but it was also more than that. I was able to see that I can go out and have fun and not let Coach effect me all the time. It helped to be around someone who didn't know Coach, didn't know anything about our relationship, and to be somewhere that I was not constantly reminded of him or things related to him. When I wanted to talk about him, she listened; sometimes she gave advice, sometimes not. But he was not the focus of the weekend, it was all about me and Macadamia and just having fun. It was just what I needed.

One adventure in particular helped a lot: we ended up at little bar on a main street of a tiny town that had been surrounded by Des Moines as the city grew. We chatted with the bartender; he was cool, we talked football, and he made us some delicious drinks. As the night went on, "Uncle Scotty", as he will be known, says, "I have to run to the bathroom quick, will you two watch the bar and make sure no one goes back there?"

Naturally I asked if I could squirt them with water if they didn't listen, but he said just yelling at them would be sufficient, and if they argued, to say that he was my uncle or something and we were in charge while he was gone. It was an awesome but harrowing couple of minutes, because some of these people were waaaaaaaasted. Luckily, I didn't need to yell at anyone and Uncle Scotty returned quickly.

Not long after, this cute by fairly drunk guy came in. His name was Joe(y)(?), he'd played hockey all over Minnesota, works on an oil rig(?), and frequents that bar. Macadamia and I decided to call it a night around 1:30. Joe shook my hand and told me I was incredibly sexy. Despite his semi-drunken state, this just made me feel good (not to mention, this is the first time ever in the history of our going out that a guy has talked to me instead of Macadamia, I'm serious, she is absolutely beautiful.) Anyway, I told him thank you and I appreciated that. He restated again that I was, in fact, not only 'sexy' but, 'sexy as a mother-fucker'...though I'm not sure exactly what that might actually mean. As Macadamia and I were walking out, I heard him tell Scotty that he thought I was sexy and Scotty replied that I was, indeed, very beautiful. It was a much-needed confidence-boost.

I felt like a different person when I came back, if that makes sense. Not because of the bar or anything, but just because I was out, having fun, laughing and finding a good time. I know that every day is going to get easier, but there will also be set-backs. In particular, I'm not looking forward to the end of the month, all kinds of anniversaries are going to start coming up that will probably make me sad but I will deal with it the way I have dealt with everything else so far: by writing and talking to those who have helped me deal with everything so far. I will be okay.