Revenge is a Dish Best Not Served at All

The idea of revenge is a marvel. It's human nature to want to get even with someone who has wronged you. Especially when you feel betrayed and hurt and humiliated by your own idiocy. And I think that's where the basis of my own thirst for revenge comes from - because despite the best efforts of BFF, his boyfriend, and a myriad of others in my life trying to convince me otherwise, I feel like the idiot for trusting Coach for so long. BFF's BF even told me I was thinking about this all wrong, that it wasn't my fault for trusting someone because that' what you're supposed to do. BFF confirmed this earlier, reminding me over and over that this is not my fault. He tells me over and over that it doesn't matter, we're all idiots at one point or another, but eventually you have to be able to laugh at it so you can finally move on. But it just infuriates me when someone thinks they've outsmarted me, that they've gotten away with something. It's a flaw, I know, that I am prideful, but who isn't prideful about one thing or another? Revenge is a natural next step.

But it shouldn't be.

At least, not actual revenge. Go ahead and plan all you want, plot the silliest, most ridiculous, outlandish forms of revenge you can think of with your friends. But at the end of the day, it's not worth going through with it, and I know from experience.

So Army Guy and I were a roller coaster. Things were good for a few months, then I found out about some things that happened over New Year's while I was at home in the Frozen North, and I was devastated. But I was crazy about him, and 20-21 at the time. Basically, I was an idiot. We were never official after that, but together and not, and then he'd flirt with other girls, he cheated again and again, and then we'd get back together. One night I was at his apartment (my former best friend was dating his roommate) and he was gone with a friend, no doubt looking for some random skank to hook-up with. In my drunken state, I decided I was fed up. So I tore all the bedsheets off, made myself a toga from the linens, and proceeded to yank everything in his closet of every single hangar, leaving piles everywhere. My goal had been to throw everything off the balcony, but I got tired and fell asleep in the middle of the sheet-less bed. Army Guy came home within a couple hours, alone, curled up with me, and went to sleep. As far as revenge goes it was pretty tame, I know, but at the time it felt good to just make a mess. Truth be told, his room was already a mess anyway, so he hardly noticed until the morning when he saw everything on the floor in the closet. When I told him my brilliant plan, and how pissed I had been at him, he shrugged it off and went on this way for another few months until I finally ended it once and for all.

A few years later, there was PeteWentz (not the real Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy, but they look a lot alike). Again, nothing official, but it lasted about six months. I don't mean to be tacky or classless, but sometimes this far more resembled a hate-fuck than anything else. It wasn't like that all the time, didn't start that way for sure, but we worked together at the Big Box Chain Store and neither of us wanted anyone else at work to know something was going on. So we were really not so nice to one another at work, to the point that in itself probably made it obvious. Nobody fights like that with someone they don't care about or feel something for, and sometimes we were vicious. But it ended, of course, under circumstances that is another story for another time, and this time I did not seek revenge, but there were plans. Late nights Kelly and I would sit up dreaming up all kinds of ideas. He quit Big Box Chain Store and worked in the kitchen at a pub for a while. Our final plan was to find out what night he was working and then to saran wrap his car, preferably after egging it. A little more malicious then pulling bedsheets and clothes apart, but mine and PeteWentz's relationship was that ridiculous. We never went through with it, just the ideas of what we could do were enough. I was maturing I guess, growing up and realizing it wasn't worth it. PeteWentz wasn't worth it. And thank goodness I realized that soon enough. But he was young, three years younger than I, so at the end of it all, the relationship I mean and not the revenge scenarios, can't really fault him entirely for how it all went down.

Here's the thing BFF said about revenge: it's for me, not for Coach. Coach doesn't matter because from now on, I have to think about me. Revenge only matters because of how it effects me. Even BFF's BF added that the best revenge is something to the effect of having a rockin' bod and being married in three years. I protested that I want him to know those things though, that I want Coach to know that I look amazing and that I'm so blissfully happy without him, it's almost sickening. But BFF countered with, it doesn't matter if he knows or not, this isn't about him, none of this is about him. It's always about me now. That's the message I get quite a bit from BFF and something I need constant reminders on, but sometimes that's hard; I spent almost a year focusing on Coach and making sure he was happy, re-focusing back on myself is taking some getting used to.

I have entertained all kinds of thoughts of revenge, some involving videos or photos or text messages. I want him to feel as bad as I have felt since this has all happened. I want him to know what it's like. When he cheated in April and I was naturally crushed, I remember how he looked when we finally talked; he looked miserable, stressed, upset. And that's what I want, as vengeful as it sounds. I was him to feel bad about it and for making me cry. But at the end of the day it wouldn't change anything. I'd be sinking to a level that I don't want to be at, because that's not where I belong. Besides, revenge can be all-consuming, and there's not room in my life for that. If I waste my time, thoughts, and energy on that, especially when he's not thinking about me anymore, he wins once and for all, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let that happen.

What can I say, pride is a tricky thing.