Swagger

A long time ago I had swagger and I didn't even know it. I was just being me. When I was growing up, most of my friends were boys, so I was always comfortable around them and didn't feel like I had to be someone I was not, or act a certain way, etc. I had girlfriends of course, but those i was closest to were similar to me: tomboy-ish. It worked for me and I never really gave much thought to it, I didn't date in high school and that was fine, it never seemed like a big deal to me. And I'm serious: I never went on a single date. I didn't even go to my high school Prom. I would have liked to, but it just didn't happen and I was okay with that.

Fast forward to freshman year of college at Woolly Mammoth University. I actually started making more close girlfriends than guy friends. In fact, I don't think I met a single guy my freshman year that I still see or talk to, or even remember their names. Again, I didn't date, but I was okay with that. I was at college, growing up, having fun far enough away from home that I didn't feel inclined to have to go home every weekend, but close enough that a trip was feasible whenever I wanted.

Now, the summer between freshman and sophomore year us where it gets tricky. I was living on campus for the summer and met a couple girls (one of whom, Wink, is still one of my best friends to this day) and in turn, met a lot of the guys they knew, who were also living in the dorms for the summer and taking classes. They took me into their group and we were together all the time, watching movies, studying, going to the store, we became good friends. It was not, until about halfway through the summer, that Wink informs me that all the boys have crushes on me. I honestly had no idea. She told me they all thought I wad flirting with them and I felt bad. I really did not know that this is what I was projecting. I just thought I was hanging out with my new friends.

I tried my best to not flirt anymore and was somewhat successful, except with Married Guy (also a part of this group kind of by default, he was an RA. And no, he was not married at the time, but he is married now and this will be important later). But it didn't go away completely. I was just enjoying my summer with new friends, being carefree and sometimes-flirty and having fun. I never led any of them on, never made out with or hooked up with any of them (again, except with Married Guy; we are a match made in Heaven in some other universe, but that is also a story for another time). The attention was nice though, because it was something I never had in high school, something I didn't even know I wanted. For once I was not just 'one of the boys' so to speak, I was a girl and they saw that I was and appreciated it, even if from afar.

So sophomore year started. I didn't not date, if that makes sense, but I was able to not care. I was able to not get emotionally invested in the guys I met, because I still had that carefree thing going on. I just wanted to have fun. Do not confuse this with random hook-ups - I should clarify here that up til halfway through my sophomore year of college, I was still a virgin. And that was certainly not random, but is also another story for another time. But I had fun, went out, and everything was good. Again, there weren't a lot of feelings, not that I was emotionally closed off from people or didn't let them in or any of that garbage, I was just very good at not investing emotionally in guys because I, again, either wasn't ready or didn't know what I was missing.

Enter Army Guy, fall of my junior year. Man, did that guy turn my entire life upside down. Suddenly I had feelings. Suddenly I wanted a relationship and everything that went with it. And we had it, sort of, but then it was up and down and eventually he cheated, I cried, and then it started all over again. This happened for an entire year and set a precedent for each defined relationship I would have after him, because somehow, I manage to pick the exact same guy over and over. Sure, they have different names, different occupations, look completely different from one another, but all three cheated and I ended up crying.

The last one that just ended a few weeks ago was especially bad. Perhaps it is so awful because I am almost 30 and know what I want from my relationships now. Or maybe it's so awful because he is also almost 30, I wasn't really expecting this kind of malarkey to happen, since by now you would think we are adults and can communicate as adults and express what we want in an adult way without cheating and then rationalizing it in some completely childish way. But as I have been working on getting myself better, and finding me again, I have found I really miss that girl who just didn't care, that girl who didn't take anything too seriously and was carefree and fun. I'd like to be her again. She didn't get hurt, she didn't get emotionally invested and end up crushed.

Seeing another year of my life go by, and it all being for nothing, really takes a toll. But I am working on finding her again. Or, at least, I will work on it. When I'm ready, because I know she is waiting for me.