I saw Coach today.
I know right. How could this have happened, I was doing so well, blah blah blah. It was completely unintentional and suddenly there he was. Problem is, his place of employment is within two blocks of my apartment. And is along the same route I have been running since I moved into said apartment over three years ago. But I am not going to change my route, change my routine, just because I might risk running into him. That would mean I was still giving him consideration in my life. He's not giving me consideration in his life, so I don't need to do the same thing for him. Not really giving thought to his schedule anymore (because as BFF tells me everyday, it no longer matters. What he think doesn't matter, what he does doesn't matter, this is all about me), I did my usual routine and ran the city blocks I've always run.
However, he must have been heading to lunch, because he was just getting to his car as I rounded the corner. Literally, his car was parked right on the street next to the sidewalk I was going to be running down within seconds.
Well, crap.
It's not like it was going to be some big confrontation, I wasn't going to stop, yell at him in the street and cry and tell him off. But I wasn't going to pretend nothing had happened and that I hadn't cried my eyes out over him for days. I made up my mind I was just going to keep my earbuds in, and keep running. And that's exactly what I did. But all kinds of thoughts went through my head - what if he thought I did this on purpose, what if he told everyone I was stalking him, what if, what if, what if. Again, BFF to the rescue when I relayed the story to him when I got home - it doesn't matter what he thinks anymore and he reminded me that I don't care. Even if I still kind of do on at least a very basic level - no one wants to be labeled a stalker when doing something normal and part of their daily routine.
Turns out, there really wasn't much reason to worry. He was getting into his car and closing the door by the time I was even passing him. I suppose he could have realized it was me but did it really matter? I made it to the corner and then he pulled up besides me, but I didn't look at him, don't know if he saw me then, and it doesn't matter. The important thing is, I didn't freak out, I didn't dissolve into a mess, I didn't cry.
I know it doesn't seem like a huge deal, and possibly you're thinking to yourself, "What is wrong with this girl, why is she writing about this? It's so insignificant." But for me, it WAS a big deal. I saw this person who I had seen or talked to almost every day for nearly a year, then nothing for two and a half weeks, and suddenly there he was. This happened before, the first time I saw him after the April Incident. We'd locked eyes and I ended up bursting into tears, nearly running over an old lady on a scooter in my effort to get away just so he wouldn't see me crying (more on this later).
But that didn't happen this time and I don't know what it means. Something good, I hope.
Total empowering moment. Kudos!
ReplyDeleteThank you! It was so hard at first when I realized there he was, walking right to his car. He looked so normal, like it was a regular day and that's what keeps hurting me; he's fine, it was just a regular day for him. But I just kept doing what I was doing, for once not letting him dictate what I'm doing I don't mean for this to sound like he was controlling or anything, that's not the case at all. I just mean that many times, I was more willing to re-arrange my schedule than he was.
ReplyDeleteClearly a case of investment. It would seem you invested more than he did and thus the processing time to get over that is longer because you're the one that got screwed over on the investment. Bugger. Men always do that type of BS. Another of my favorite "while wallowing in my misery" songs to help cheer up to, or dance around like an idiot to... An 80's classic with a peppy beat and catchy lyrics - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sLXlwKbLjDM Maybe this is where all my running away from stuff came from? ha ha.
ReplyDeleteRight, except when we had a thing in April after the whole cheating-thing, he looked so unhappy when we finally saw each other and sat down to talk about it, like he was just as miserable as I was. And I believed that he was, I trusted him that he was sorry, and all that. And we'd invested less time at that point. I thought at first we could be friends, he said so many times that he wants to be, and so that first week after we broke up I tried. We went to lunch on Thursday and he was...fine. It hurt, and made me see that I couldn't be friends with him because he was clearly okay and I was not. Two previous times we'd split up, and neither time had last more than a week or so, and each time, we did keep talking and texting every day. This time though, it felt different, and I knew I had to stop investing. It's been so hard not talking to him, but I know if I do, I'll still end up investing in him when he's not even thinking about me anymore. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteWell with the bad economy better not to waste your investment. :) Sometimes it's a few times over before the break-up actually takes. You saying that this time "it felt different" maybe means this one will take, that you're ready to let go and break-up. I don't understand how people can be friends with exes, but am in awe at the same time of those that can.
ReplyDeleteSame here. I don't think I can ever be friends with him; when we broke up, I told him that we didn't know how to be friends, so how was it going to work. Neither time we lasted more than a week, and honestly the only thing that changed was that we didn't sleep together. The intimacy of talking every day and sharing the details of our lives is what made it a relationship, know what I mean? I guess that's why cutting off communication is really the only answer, at least for me, because that's what made us so close. Then I question myself and think that, what if we had kept talking, maybe we'd have gotten back together, etc. I just know that I cared about him too much to ever just be his friend.
ReplyDeleteIt takes a strong person to cut ties with someone they know is toxic for them. It's super hard, with any type of relationship - dating, friendship, family even. The awesomeness is being able to admit it and the difficult part is following through with it. Step by step. You know whether a relationship (friendship or otherwise) is healthy for you and if it's not then you gotta get going, just like you're doing. Sure, doubt will creep in, you'll question your decision, but based on what I'm reading your decision to quit him is the right one.
ReplyDeleteFollowing through has been awful. For almost an entire year, we saw or talked to each other every day. It's been two and a half weeks and I feel like I'm going crazy some days because I see or hear something that I would normally text him because only he would appreciate the humor in it. That's just how we were. And I miss that part and I miss the good things about him, because those did exist, he's not a monster by any means. He just looking out for himself and I got dragged along for the ride.
ReplyDeleteThat's a bit monstery if I do say so myself. Whether he's a good person or not, in the relationship with you he wasn't and that's where it really counted. It's not necessary to forget the good times, but you must also remember the bad times and why, even though it sucks so horribly bad now, life sans Coach is a positive for Sarah. Today's brought some backpedaling, but it's only been two weeks... after a whole year! Sure if you were Joey it'd take you a shower to get over a girl, because that's how men work. But you know what? I'm glad I'm not a man. I take pride in my emotional basketcaseness and that I over analyze and have to work through what went wrong and go through the battle of - should I call him? Wouldn't it be better if we were back together? Maybe I should give friends another try? Maybe I'll just send him a harmless email? Is he thinking about me? Did he ever care? Why did he do this? Why doesn't he love me back? etc. And so in the beginning there's only one thing I can do ... my break up ritual. Yep, I have a break up ritual to start off the healing process (besides the 80's music of course) - it involves Chinese take-out and Ben and Jerry's ice cream and watching French Kiss. Doesn't cure me, but it's a start. Doesn't stop me from questioning what if's, but it's a distracter. Doesn't make the crying stop, but it comforts me. Doesn't make the hurt go away right at that exact moment, but I know with time the hurt will lessen. Doesn't make me feel so alone all curled up with my fave foods and movie, makes me somehow feel loved even if it's by food and a movie. And in the beginning sometimes that's enough. :)
ReplyDeleteI know, and I keep trying to remember that. And it makes me so mad that I still try to justify or defend. The other night when BFF and I were on the phone, I was venting and saying all these bad things about Coach, but the moment BFF did, I was back to defending him. It's ridiculous. But still, monster isn't right; when I think monster I think of some abusive, controlling drunk and that is not Coach at all.
ReplyDeleteToday was a really bad day, got better later on. Not better maybe, but at least more settled? I don't even know why, or why I'm thinking about him tonight so much, why I miss him tonight, it's frustrating me.
I like your idea of a break-up ritual and might do a post about it - if you don't want to write it ;) Not just about yours specifically, but about in general. Distracters are good, and I have need plenty in the last couple weeks. I'm now on season 4 of SVU...I have to watch things that have little to none romantic interactions. Can't get much less romantic than SVU!
I try to be cautious about saying bad things about friends exes because you never know when today's ex will be tomorrow's current or a forever ex. And you don't want to be remembered by your friend for bad-mouthing her ex that she's now back together with. (I read that advice, worded differently, in a magazine years ago and it was good advice that rang true. As it just so happened that a friend broke up with a guy that I bad mouthed after and then they got back together and she was always - I know you don't like him, but it was I didn't like what he did to her. They ended up breaking up eventually, because he was a slimebag, but I think she resented me for the things I'd said and there was this unspoken "I told you so" floating in the air and we were never the same.) But it's such a fine line! And monster in the sense that he wasn't Mr. Wonderful...monster is open to interpretation. =) I mean there's Cookie Monster, there's Munster Monster's...
ReplyDeleteI figure break-ups go in cycles. Sometimes, even years later, there will be something that triggers sadness about an ex, even if for just a moment, but more so for you because the wound is SO fresh right now.
SVU is fabulous! It's my favorite of the Law and Order's. SVU then Criminal Intent then the regular one - that's my order of loving them.
That's true, and it's a good way to look at it. I just think of monster as having such negative connotations, you know? And yes, he did things that hurt me and made me cry. I stressed about him, and worried and fretted. It was all unfair to me, whether he realized that's what he was doing or not. But the good times were really good, and I guess that's what makes the bad times so much worse, if that makes sense. And I understand what you mean about the "I told you so..." always being there. BFF told me to cut him out of my life in April after the cheating incident and I didn't. That's almost what kills me even more, that I listened to Coach instead of BFF. But I did and what's done is done. But maybe because we have just been through all of this before and we've had lots of ups and downs and all that, I don't resent him for thinking "I told you so" because he was right.
ReplyDeleteSVU is amazing! I never really got into any of the others, but give me a slice of Stabler any day...YUM! Plus, it amuses me to know end that Ice-T is playing a cop, and even more so on those rare occasions when they're in their uniforms.
I feel it's a sign of a good friendship the lack of resentment. I didn't want to be right about that guy, I wanted him to be her happily ever after if that's what she wanted, but I wasn't so blind to his faults and jerky ways. Friends have that benefit that sometimes they can look at the relationship with a lot more clarity than the one involved in it. I suppose she was just so hurt and probably humiliated that he'd done this to her again that it affected our friendship too. So, it turned out the friendship, similar to her relationship, wasn't so stable either.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Yeah I love Ice-T's character.
Okay, A) I just saw my typo in my previous post, ugh! I hate that we can't edit our comments!
ReplyDeleteB) I'm sorry, it's always hard when friendships end, and especially when it has nothing to with the friendship itself, but because of a stupid boy. And I know BFF wants me to be happy but he saw that it wasn't going to work and that I should cut Coach out of my life and not get back together with him. And I said in that week how I could never trust him again and we were done...yet all it really took was a long conversation and us crying, and we were back together. It bothers me that it was so easy to be back with him, but I missed seeing him and talking to him, and I wanted him back in my life. I really should just always listen to BFF - in fact, he said he's going to start making all my decisions for my, much like Rachel let Monica make all her decisions for her. Thought you'd appreciate that :)
HA HA! Is BFF for hire? Because I have a few decisions that could use some BFF help on. :)
ReplyDeleteOh I'm sure he'd be glad to give you some pointers :)
ReplyDelete